50 Reasons (The Q-Branch Edition)
by ktwontwo
Summary: A series of short snippits chronicling events in the life of our favorite Quartermaster.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** 50 Reasons (The Q-Branch Edition)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or claim any rights. I don't get paid. I'm just playing around with the characters.

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**Reason 1: Because You Can't Sleep**

It is a truth universally known in MI6 that the Quartermaster has all the best toys. It is a truth not quite so well known that the Quartermaster also has the most comfortable couch in the whole building. This was why battered from his latest mission too tired to go home and too strung out to sleep, James Bond, found himself sneaking into the Quartermaster's office at 03:30 one morning. It was also why Q found 007 sound asleep on the couch when he arrived at 08:23.

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**Author's Note:** This is going to be an intermittent series of drabbles based upon the _50 Reasons to Have Sex_ list from How I Met Your Mother. I'm just using the list as prompts there may or may not be slash and or sexual content as the number of drabbles grow. I will provide fair warning of same if necessary.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** 50 Reasons (The Q-Branch Edition)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or claim any rights. I don't get paid. I'm just playing around with the characters.

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**Reason 2: Making Up**

"You know he's going to kill us," Alex Trevelyan commented as they strode down the corridor.

"I have a plan," James Bond replied as he placed his hand on the biometric reader that opened the door to Q-Branch.

The main room was busy as always with a small bubble of serenity around Q's stand up workstation. Knowing full well what they were facing the two agents invaded that bubble causing Q to look up from his computer.

"Chaos and Destruction," he said softly instead of acknowledging them by name or designation. "I don't suppose there were any pieces left?"

Judging by his body language and tone of voice Q was seriously ticked off but before he could start in on them for their use and abuse of government resources Bond said "I brought you a present." He flourished a thumb drive labeled with the words _Aperture Science_.

Q's eyes went wide, "You didn't?" he breathed.

James merely tossed the drive which Q snagged neatly out of the air. "You are forgiven the destroyed equipment but I still need the paperwork," was what he said but it was clear all his focus was on the thumb drive.

Knowing a dismissal when they heard it the two agents beat a hasty retreat.

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**Author's Note:** I guess these won't be drabbles because I seem to be incapable of expressing myself in exactly 100 words. Sorry about the re-posting there was a typo and a stray line break that snuck into the original.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** 50 Reasons (The Q-Branch Edition)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or claim any rights. I don't get paid. I'm just playing around with the characters.

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**Reason 3: Breaking Up**

"What are you doing?" Q asked Moneypenny as he found Mallory's PA standing in front of the Q-Branch refrigerator looking forlornly into the freezer compartment.

"Looking for ice-cream to requisition," she replied abstractedly.

Q looked her up and down assessing. He wasn't quite as good at deducing things as his half-brother Sherlock but Moneypenny's mental state and the reason for it was obvious.

"Flavor preference?" Q asked.

It seemed like the question took a bit to register but she finally replied, "Mocha."

Q poured a cup of coffee then reached into a cupboard and fished out a squeeze jar of chocolate syrup adding a large amount. He then opened the fridge and handed her two cartons. One was labeled heavy cream and the other was labeled milk. "Come along," he said snagging a couple sachets of sugar off the break-room table as he went past.

Q took his confused co-worker to his private lab. Shortly thereafter he handed her a spoon and a large bowl of Mocha flavored ice cream.

"So," he remarked conversationally after she'd taken a few bites, "What do you want me to do to that jerk who dumped you?"

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**Author's Note:** Q used liquid nitrogen to make the ice-cream. I'm using the same premises in this as I did in my Bondlock crossover _Brothers_ _Three. Q _is Sherlock's half brother but he was raised by Mummy Holmes with Sherlock and Mycroft after his biological mother died.


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** 50 Reasons (The Q-Branch Edition)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or claim any rights. I don't get paid. I'm just playing around with the characters.

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**Reason 4: A New Position**

M, the head of SIS, is widely rumored to be omnipotent at least regarding issues within MI6. Most of the holders of the position managed this feat using a judicious combination of technology and human intelligence with a smattering of personal recognizance. Gareth Mallory had noted it was not much different that getting a decent read on the political infighting when he was an MP. He had found, however, that when it came to Q-Branch only the latter two investigatory tools produced meaningful results. This was why he was standing in the branch bullpen watching a bunch of excited techies attempting to assemble some sort of pipe and table construction. They were happily working, chattering and reading instructions in at least three languages.

Their affectionately dubbed evil overlord, Q, spotted him and came over to explain. "It's an inversion table" he stated as if this was obvious from the growing construction in the corner. "Dr Cornick from medical came by and ranted about ergonomics. The short version, without citations, was that if the branch collectively didn't get new working positions I'd have a rash of back and repetitive motion injuries on my hands. The minions came up with this as a solution."

M raised an eyebrow just as one of the aforementioned minions proclaimed loudly "it's done!"

Q walked over, snapped the cuffs around his legs and inverted himself. A helpful minion handed him his tablet. "Excellent" he proclaimed. "Now was there something you needed M?"

Mallory knew that discretion was often the better part of valor. Nothing really seemed appropriate faced with his branch head talking to his ankles. "No. Carry on." He waved his hand magnanimously and left.

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**Author's Note:** Fair warning, I'm starting to get cross-over plot bunnies attacking me for these.


	5. Chapter 5

**Title:** 50 Reasons (The Q-Branch Edition)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or claim any rights. I don't get paid. I'm just playing around with the characters.

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**Reason 5 – Revenge**

Q didn't consider himself a vengeful person. No he only had a strong opinion that actions must be paired with consequences. The stupider the action the more swift and devastating the response needed to be; otherwise ineptitude was contagious.

This particular action, in Q's opinion, required serious retaliation. The MMORPG server on which he preferred to play was somewhat exclusive. You had to hack your way in and import an existing character of over a particular level. That meant the quality of play and caliber of player tended to be quite high. Taking out half one's own party with a well-timed spell and then disappearing was an action worthy of serious consequences. A simple code loop added to the game program would tell Q the next time the miscreant, handle ElfLord, was logged in. Q using his game persona ShadowMaster could then alert any of the other victims so they could take revenge.

Q's plan worked well. Within 30 minutes of logging in ElfLord had been killed at least 6 times. He dropped off but within 10 minutes he was back only this time his character was a transparent ghost. A clever piece of programing that. The avatar was unable to be affected by the players but was visible and could communicate. ElfLord proceeded to apologize, rather eloquently Q thought, to the impacted persons. The explanation in and of itself was interesting. Something about a would be burglar and furniture breakage which resulted in spell misfire but also the computer getting trashed. It sounded very much like a standard legend used to explain agent injuries to family and friends and that made Q curious.

_*A week later*_

NCIS agent Timothy McGee entered the office on a Thursday morning to find a present waiting on his desk. It was a briefcase. Specifically it was The Briefcase. The one containing the prototype missile plans which had been taken from the Marine courier's dead body the day before yesterday. The one everyone and their brother was looking for. It had a red ribbon on the handle with a small florist's card attached. McGee snagged some gloves from his desk, carefully removed the ribbon and opened the card.

_I think you are looking for this. Sorry about the PKs. ShadowMaster._

It took him two minutes to determine that the security cameras had been hacked and that all information around the time when the briefcase was placed on his desk had been corrupted. It took him two hours to determine exactly how the intruder got in and out of the building. Then, after polling all the navy yard cameras, he had a single long range, fuzzy picture of the intruder exiting the building. He was a tall, fit, blond in an impeccably tailored suit who flashed a grin and a salute to the camera before moving out of range. McGee had just put the picture up on the plasma to show Gibbs and the rest of the team when Director Vance strolled through the office.

Vance stopped dead in his tracks staring at the screen. He deliberately removed the toothpick from his mouth and asked the group "Can someone explain to me just what the heck one of MI6's premier agents was doing in our lobby?"

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**Author's Note: **For you non-gamers PK's are Player Killers. I have been reasonably informed that this is the appropriate term for the behavior described but your mileage may vary and it may be different depending upon the game platform since various games tend to develop their own in-game terminology. If anyone has a better term for that type of behavior please lob me a PM.

Thank you very much for the reviews. To answer some of the questions left therein:  
Yes, Sherlock and Mycroft will end up in these at some point. I don't see either of them exercising any self restraint when it comes to their little brother.  
Yes, there will be an Avengers crossover. The one I'm thinking about will be later on because I'm writing these in order of the list.  
No, there will not be a Stargate crossover. I don't know enough about that fandom to do it justice.  
Yes, There will continue to be references, both obscure and not, to other fandoms mostly in borrowing names.

I seem to be creating an AU crossover verse with this and my other fictions. I now have Bond & Sherlock interacting with NCIS, the Avengers and Hetalia in my head. Heaven only knows what my muse will kick out next.


	6. Chapter 6

**Title:** 50 Reasons (The Q-Branch Edition)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or claim any rights. I don't get paid. I'm just playing around with the characters.

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**Reason 6 - Rebound**

Bill Tanner was in some respects a creature of habit. Regardless of the time of day and how long he had been ensconced in the building Tanner would randomly wander through one department of MI6 or another before he left for home. This particular Friday night it happened to be Q-Branch.

It was quiet. There were no missions currently that required monitoring and the branch was working with a minimal crew. Tanner was thus somewhat surprised when he spotted Q. Q was standing in his office with his hands resting lightly on the keyboard as if he were monitoring an operation. Curious Tanner wandered over and tapped on the glass door. Q gestured a _come in_.

"I didn't think we had anything going tonight."

"We don't," Q replied. "I'm field testing some new equipment."

"Oh?"

Q looked slightly miffed, "The low light camera is adequate but the directional microphone and the program for parsing out extraneous conversations needs a lot more work."

Tanner moved around behind Q to look at the feed. The live video was from the dining room of a dimly lit restaurant and surprisingly he recognized one of the diners.

"Is that Eve?"

Q stiffened, "Yes."

"You are spying on Eve's date," it wasn't a question. "Your budget will be toast if she finds out," he added as an afterthought

"I'll risk it," was Q's reply.

"Why?"

"Because she's going out with a random bloke she met in the local after the muppet dumped her."

"She's a trained field agent. Don't you think she can handle this herself?"

"People, even trained agents, do stupid things on the rebound." Q's attention was suddenly all on the video feed. "And there it is," he said half to himself as his fingers started flying over the keys.

Tanner wasn't quite sure what exactly Q had seen but his actions started an electrical fire which resulted in the restaurant being evacuated, a small altercation between Moneypenny and her date and eventually Eve stalking off in a huff. Q tracked it all with ease switching video from one CCTV camera to the next. When she was four blocks away from the restaurant Q opened a com line and dialed a mobile.

"Bond" answered a familiar baritone.

"Go pick her up," Q ordered. "I'm sending you the coordinates."

"Do I need to apply chocolate or alcohol to the situation?" Bond asked.

"Probably both 007," Q said with a sigh.

"On it," Bond acknowledged and rang off.

Tanner watched as Bond's Aston Martin slid up beside Monneypenny as she walked down the pavement. She stopped, listened, nodded once then got into the car.

Q nodded in apparent satisfaction and started shutting down his equipment. He turned around then and looked directly at Tanner, "Just doing my part to ensure the smooth operation of the executive branch."

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**Author's Note:** This is a sequel to Reason 3 – Breaking Up.


	7. Chapter 7

**Title:** 50 Reasons (The Q-Branch Edition)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or claim any rights. I don't get paid. I'm just playing around with the characters.

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**Reason 7 – Paratrooping**

"He's clear."

"Blow it then."

"We have a chute."

"What do we have in the area for retrieval?"

"Nearest naval vessel is 4 hours out. You want me to call them?"

"Not yet. What else is floating around down there?"

"Bunch of private yachts. Looks like he's aiming for one. Yes, he's landed on it."

"Pull the registry info and passenger list."

"Q, I have 007 on the line."

"Patch him through."

"I have the package. I'll be on…Skyros…in approximately 2 hours…no make it 3."

Q sighed. "So what color is the bathing suit this time 007?"

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**Author's Note:** A true drabble. 100 words exactly (including title but excluding preface & author's notes). Yes this is very similar to _The Living Daylights_ opening. It just seemed to be something that would happen to Bond on a regular basis.


	8. Chapter 8

**Title:** 50 Reasons (The Q-Branch Edition)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or claim any rights. I don't get paid. I'm just playing around with the characters.

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**Reason 8 - Nothing on TV**

It started as a discussion between Sherlock and Watson. Sherlock contending that there was never anything worth watching on television and Watson asserting that although the percentage of worthwhile content was small it did indeed exist. Q who had brought the take-away and beer had been vastly entertained by the resulting argument.

It continued a week later during a 12 hour stretch when all four active missions went into waiting mode simultaneously. The discussion about the state of broadcast media ranged over several continents and examples were provided from a variety of nations by agents and handlers alike.

It took on a life of its own when the analysts decided to apply scientific method to the problem. Armed with a set of _watchability criteria_ the denizens of MI6 applied their resources to catalogue the superlative vs the abysmal in as many languages as possible.

Three months later the results were tabulated and compiled. The conclusion was clear and Q sent an E-Mail to Dr. Watson.

You were correct. Using the attached criteria the ratio of bad to watchable television is 20 to 1 regardless of language or nationality.

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**Author's Note:** I wonder if anyone has ever done a study of this IRL?


	9. Chapter 9

**Title:** 50 Reasons (The Q-Branch Edition)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or claim any rights. I don't get paid. I'm just playing around with the characters.

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**Reason 9: In a Hotel**

Mycroft Holmes did not like to exert himself unnecessarily. He was much more suited to the pleasures of the intellect, as his half-brother Quentin liked to call it, than to the sudden bursts of frenetic activity that his brother Sherlock indulged in when engaged on one of his cases. Travel, inevitably involved a degree of exertion and thus he did not care much for it. Last minute travel required even more exertion and thus was to be avoided if at all possible. Last minute travel without his normal personal assistant was well-nigh intolerable.

Unfortunately the current crisis required not only his personal touch but also his presence. It also occurred during the week when Lisa, his PA who's nom de guerre always began with the letter A and changed at least once a fortnight, was off attending the wedding of her sister. Lisa had provided for coverage and extra security but it was not adequate for the tasks required in this particular situation. This explained why Mycroft was sitting in his hotel room in Paris plotting how to evade his temporary assistant and his security detail so that he could do what was necessary.

Four hours later, task complete, Mycroft was seated in a nice little café enjoying an early supper and amusing himself by deducing information about his fellow diners and the passersby. His eye was drawn by the maître d seating a gentleman across the room. The customer's back was to him but Mycroft's casual glance put him at 5'10", blond, and fit. Ex-military, most likely navy special forces given the way he moved. Rolex. British in nationality, the cut and style of the suit and the way it was worn. Ah, and he was armed. Shoulder holster about the right size for one of the smaller Walther's or a Sig. Mycroft's attention sharpened. As if aware of the scrutiny the gentleman put down his menu, turned slightly in his chair, met Mycroft's eyes and nodded in greeting.

Mycroft returned the nod by inclining his head slightly and returned his attention to the coq au vin, which was excellent. Lisa was indeed the perfect PA. She had obviously planned for this very contingency. There was no one else who knew enough to arrange for his brother and one of the 00's to watch over him. He smiled slightly and made a mental note to increase her salary.

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**Author's Note:** This one got away from the prompt a bit. Mycroft took possession and walked off with the snippet without so much as a _by your leave_. I understand better now why Sherlock gets annoyed by his high handed tactics.


	10. Chapter 10

**Title:** 50 Reasons (The Q-Branch Edition)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or claim any rights. I don't get paid. I'm just playing around with the characters.

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**Reason 10 - Curiosity**

Q was intrigued. The explanation provided by ElfLord for the recent debacle in the MMORPG was just a bit too polished. Q wasn't quite sure why but the story had the flavor a professionally created fiction. It sounded like a legend and he'd created enough of those to know one when he saw one. That made him curious.

First thing to do was to pin down ElfLord's physical location. It took a bit to track him through several proxy servers to a flat in Washington DC rented by one Timothy McGee.

Nice hardware. Professional firewalls. Custom, self programed additional protections. The contents were just as interesting. Organized research files on a variety of subjects. So ElfLord was a writer on the side. E-mails from his agent and publisher. Used an anagram for his pseudonym. Cute, Q thought.

Armed with a name and a location a little more digging gave Q the police report. Even with the security redactions it was clear that the burglary was actually an assassination attempt. Now why would a biomedical engineer with an MS in computer forensics from MIT and working for the U.S. Navy be a target? That required a detour to look at McGee's employer's files. Well, well, what have we here. These servers were better secured than the CIA's. Q happily set to hacking and discovered some of the same protections he had encountered earlier were included in the NCIS systems. Mr. McGee had been busy.

Ah. McGee was part of a team led by an ex-marine gunnery sargent and special forces sniper. Other team members were interesting. Anthony DeNozzo Jr. formerly of the Baltimore PD. That was a name Q easily found in the MI6 files. Apparently Sr. was a hanger on to the rich and famous. A con-man operating not quite in the grey zone. Next was a fimiliar name Q knew without running a search, Ziva David. One of the offspring of the spider at the head of Mossad. She seems to have escaped her father's web. The supporting personnel were just as interesting. A medical examiner named Mallard. Scottish. Itelligence community connections, he'd have to look into that later. Jumped the pond some 20 years ago. Also a forensics specialist, Ms Shuto, the author of that blood spatter study Sherlock had been so taken with.

Perusal of the case files told Q that this team was good, very good. Good enough to make enemies. There was also enough of a collective past to have enemies come out of the woodwork. Satisfied for the moment Q backed out of the servers. With that caliber of personnel this NCIS was clearly an agency to keep an eye on.

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**Author's Note:** This was what Q did to satisfy his curiosity in Reason 5.


	11. Chapter 11

**Title:** 50 Reasons (The Q-Branch Edition)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or claim any rights. I don't get paid. I'm just playing around with the characters.

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**Reason 11 – It's Raining**

Surely the end of the world was approaching. Q watched in growing amazement as piece after piece of equipment was deposited into his _In_ box. Each one was in as pristine condition as they had been when they were issued two weeks ago. He looked then at the agent who was systematically depositing said equipment into the box. James Bond, 007, also seemed to be in perfect condition. His suit was immaculate. No blood, bruising or scratches were visible. Q frowned.

"I expected a celebration," James Bond's voice cut through Q's catastrophic laden musings.

"What you are seeing 007 is complete and utter astonishment," Q replied evenly. "A two week mission and you return all the tech and yourself without a scratch coupled with the fact that it hasn't rained here in that same two weeks makes me wonder if the world is going to vanish in a puff of logic and be replaced with something even more inexplicable."

"Shall I break something for you then?"

"No! Get out of here 007!"

James Bond turned on his heel and left Q branch chuckling the entire way. Q didn't realize that he'd nicked his com back from the box until he heard a familiar voice in his ear some ten minutes later.

"You can cancel the apocalypse Q, it's raining."


	12. Chapter 12

**Title:** 50 Reasons (The Q-Branch Edition)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or claim any rights. I don't get paid. I'm just playing around with the characters.

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**Reason 12 – Halftime**

"Halftime has started. Turn left!"

"In the stairwell. Heading up."

"Careful, No cameras in there."

"Roger. Damn, access door is locked."

"Don't waste bullets it's blocked on the other side."

"Options?"

"Up, rappel down the jumbo-tron onto the maintenance platform."

"Anyone going to notice?"

"You'll have to be fast to beat the crowd reaction."

"OK. What's he got?"

"Modified M40A5"

"Wish me luck."

"Good luck 007."

Crowd noise. A thud. A grunt of pain. Heavy breathing. A shot.

"Target neutralized."

"Damage?"

"….Minimal."

"Stay put 007, medical will be there in 5. Try not to bleed too much on the equipment."

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**Author's Note:** Ha! Another true drabble. 100 words on the nose excluding Title.


End file.
